Egalitarian mistakes

Cultural sensitivity lesson number 1. When we first arrived in Singapore we stayed in a serviced suite as many people do. Four weeks in a little furnished flat with a maid coming in every day to clean. Mine arrived around 10am, barefoot and oddly submissive. It seemed excessive for her to be washing our tiny floors 6 days a week and I became very aware of my things being in her way. When she'd arrive I'd feel guilty about my dishes and quickly leap up to speed-wash them while she tackled the bathroom. I noticed that she seemed to avoid me if possible and gave me the stink-eye when we made eye contact. Oh my god she hates me, I thought. I must have insulted her or maybe she hates white people. I get it, white people suck. I'll try to smile more or maybe do the dishes earlier and not be still in my PJs when she gets here.

I shared my feelings with Joel who thought my maid issue was amusing but had no idea what to do. I started to greet her at the door with a big smile and would say "hey it's OK, I you don't need to clean up today" hoping she'd be thrilled to have a shorter shift.  I was met with dagger eyes. I just made it worse.


We had just figured out how to stream BBC and iTV and were making our way hungrily though the first season of Downton Abbey. We got to an episode where the valet, is dismissed by the young Mr. Crawley who thinks the valet must have something better to do. The valet is deeply insulted and... OK so you see where this is leading? We had a big aha moment. In my effort to give me maid a break, I'd basically told her I don't value what she does.

The next morning at 10am she knocked at the door I opened it and then sat down to work on the computer with headphones on.  This time she waved as she left again. The following day I handed her a broken toaster, she looked excited, as if I'd finally broken the code. She flew out of the apartment and returned an hour later brandishing a new toaster. I praised her resourcefulness and she beamed. I was still deeply uncomfortable with this master/subordinate relationship but it sure seems to make her happy.

Last week during our cultural sensitivity training I asked our teacher about this episode and he talked about how Singaporeans are in a hierarchical society whereas Westerners are from a more egalitarian society. My egalitarian self thought, "geez this poor woman scrubbing toilets, I should try to give her a break" My teacher laughed, "you caused her to lose face." Having her boss take over was humiliating.

This is just the first of many mis-steps, I am sure, as I try to do the exact opposite of what my instincts tell me. I have to ignore the inner egalitarian in me trying to make things "right" and pay better attention to the roles other people are comfortable with me taking.